Modern Dating 2025 Part 3: Emotional Hangover

I might’ve hit dating fatigue—but at least I left with some sparkly pom-poms.

“It’s a (tragic) numbers game”

I deleted and re-downloaded Bumble after I stupidly toggled the wrong button and lost all my matches. I wanted to take a break and hide my profile; instead, I did the one that deletes all your matches.

Clumsiness is a trademark of mine, so this was unsurprising.

I’d been talking to some men who were interesting, so I re-downloaded the app in pursuit of re-matching. I also felt terrible for appearing like I had ghosted them. I don’t think every conversation warrants a “heads up, I’m leaving”—sometimes conversations die or the person makes you uncomfortable. But in cases where there seems to be genuine banter and concrete plans to meet up, I think it’s really bad style to simply unmatch without explanation.

In my quest to rematch, I decided to swipe as usual and track the numbers—how much effort actually goes into landing a date?

Here is my rather unscientific approach and the dismal results:

· Out of 30 conversations, here’s what happened.

· I started 26 of them. This might not seem relevant, as Bumble is known as the app where women typically make the first move. But now that you can add prompts to your profile so men can initiate conversation first, I find it nearly irrelevant. Still, I made the effort.

· Of these 26 conversations, 18 didn’t reply. Fifteen of those simply let the match expire* (see end of page for crash course on Bumble), and three actively went in and unmatched me. Nice.

· 4 men started the conversation.

· Of these 30 conversations, 2 dates ensued.

· So that’s 15 conversations to get to one date.

We’re not including matches here. Sometimes you match with someone and neither person writes, which is rather typical on the apps. We’re only considering when communication started, regardless of if there was a reply or not. So this also doesn’t include the immense amount of time spent analysing profiles and swiping.

Now let’s do my date math. I went on dates with 17 different men, I met 16 of them via the apps: 15 x 16 = 240. That means on average I likely had 240 conversations to get to 16 dates. That sounds about right when you consider all the other dating apps I have been on where the experience was very similar to that of Bumble.

That is over 240 interactions that effectively went nowhere. Countless times repeating myself, countless times asking the same questions, and countless times reaching out and meeting silence or unmatching, and an eye-watering amount of carefully reading profiles like I was a detective and a lot of thought before deciding whether to swipe yes or no.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

Handling Rejection and Disappointments

Dating is a terribly vulnerable experience, and with each rejection and failed match, it can be tempting to retreat into yourself, get off the apps, and hide away.

Unfortunately, facing rejection comes with the territory whenever you put yourself out there—whether it be in dating or other aspects of life. You also have to remember that you’re meeting complete strangers on the internet where you both have a few photos and some small descriptions (if they even bother to do that) to go off of. For the profile and the vibe to match in real life is rare.

I recently heard someone say on a podcast that dating apps should be called introductory apps, because you’re not actually dating, you’re just being introduced to a pool of people—I agree.

If you want to date—especially via dating apps—you have to be prepared for rejection, and you cannot let it be what stops you from meeting new people or let it be an indicator of your worth.

When someone unmatched me or ghosted me, I remained pretty resilient in my mindset and positivity. Armoured with my Deepak Chopra meditations and a slew of questionable YouTube manifestation videos, I entered into a state of blissful delusion, believing a higher power is swatting away men who are no good for me because something else is in store for me…hopefully Pedro Pascal.

Jokes aside, I constantly remind myself now that someone who is not choosing me is not meant for me. I try to close the door on them quickly rather than hanging about in the hallway, batting my eyelashes at them and fantasising about what might be.

My philosophy is that wrongly investing your energy in someone who isn’t meant for you means you’re wasting time not investing it in someone who is (or in a project)—so, redirect your energy. And like I said in part 1: will dying Amanda feel I spent my energy wisely being sad about a man I barely knew? Unlikely.

Death is a great motivator.

A date asked me what I was looking for. I hadn’t quite found a confident and eloquent way to say “something meaningful and long-term,” so it came out as “ideally nothing casual.” When I reversed the question, he came with the classic “see where it goes, enjoy each other’s company” blah, blah, blah... the classic “I’m not looking for anything committal” without saying it.

I told him I didn’t see the point in investing time in someone that you know from the start won’t go the distance. My time is precious, and I’m looking to spend it on someone who reciprocates.

We didn’t see each other again.

Dating apps: The Mirror You Didn’t Ask For

I have made many mistakes in dating, but personalising rejection has been one of the biggest—not pretty enough, not smart enough, don’t have a good enough job, etc. Not only is it a complete waste of time, but personalising it means igniting insecurities that will only bog you down. But perhaps that’s the tough silver lining when it comes to online dating: your reaction to letdowns and reasoning for why it didn’t work out becomes a crystal-clear mirror of your insecurities and shows you what you need to work on.

I took this as an opportunity to dig even deeper and really implement a cheerleading squad in my head, trying my hardest to intercept any negative thoughts about myself. It actually worked a lot of the time and has become a nice self-help tool to get me out of a funk—I now envision tiny Amandas with pom-poms jumping around in my brain on a daily basis, and it actually brightens my mood.

However, given the number of interactions I had, it started feeling like I was in a rubber dinghy taking on water. Putting myself out there at such a high frequency meant I was also opening myself up for a lot of negative experiences—that’s just how it is—but it got overwhelming.

My little bucket radiating positivity and magnetism would scoop up the water that had splashed in and dump it back out (in case the metaphor is lost on you: me combating disappointment with a cheery demeanour). First, I looked at my nearly dry dinghy proudly: “see, that wasn’t so bad.” But then there were a lot of waves, and the pace at which water flowed in was quicker than my water-scooping technique. My arms got tired, and so did my bucket. Eventually, I was a sad little mess hanging on to deflated plastic in the middle of Zurich lake (not literally). Welp.

Another mirror truth: Slow down.

The Lessons Learned… because there are always lessons

Going into 2025, I was like a bat out of hell. I tried to perfect every area of my life or at least give every area maximum effort. This was not sustainable.

While it wasn’t a particularly rosy experience on the dating side of things, I don’t regret the effort and time I used. This whole intense dating journey sparked an even deeper fascination with human connection.

I know some people have success on the dating apps, but I do think for many it’s ironically caused an even greater social disconnect.

These apps have gamified love—look at the add-ons, the features, and premium memberships, not to mention the addictiveness of swiping.

Swiping gives a dopamine hit, and at times I could feel myself reaching for my phone just to swipe or check for messages even though I hadn’t received any. When I deleted the apps, I had to get used to the lack of notifications flashing on my phone and get used to the stillness again.

It didn’t take long to get used to, though—it’s serene. I’m reminded of how lovely it is to not feel emotionally taxed by these apps. But had I not done this, I know that I would be at home thinking, “gosh, you really should have tried harder.”

It would be easy to be bitter and fling insults at the emotionally unavailable men I met along the way who breadcrumbed and let me down, but I see it differently. Firstly, mostly I feel sorry for them. Many had deep insecurities, which was evident by their excessive need for me to validate them. For the first time, I was able to rationalise that this wasn’t a me issue, but a them issue.

In the cases where I felt let down, there had always been a slight tug at my gut lining from the start—but I still gave the benefit of the doubt. This experience was a huge wake-up call that I need to walk away much sooner.

I also saw my insecurities flare up, and it forced me to become my biggest advocate—and she’s been nice to have around. Turns out that confidence is not the absence of insecurities, but understanding how to live with them and like yourself despite them.

But waving pom-poms 24/7 is, again, not sustainable. The tiny Amandas were gasping for a water break, and as their energy dulled, the insecurities and negative thoughts amplified. It was a

clear sign that it was time to take a break.

Dating in the near future

I’ve decided to focus 100% of my energy on passion projects and enjoy the stillness. I’ve been really good at dating men, but I’ve been really bad at dating myself. So from now on I vow to take myself on the trips I hoped I’d share with a romantic partner, to go have dinner in places I wanted to try even if friends can’t join—but most importantly, to stop waiting around hoping I’ll meet someone.

I feel I’ve stayed in Switzerland for five years based on anticipation: what if I meet someone?

It’s not happening, so I’m granting myself the freedom to move around as I wish to.

Before moving to Switzerland, I bounced around every 1 to 2 years. I reasoned my unsettled lifestyle had deterred romantic prospects, so if I wanted something to work out I should probably stay put somewhere. Wrong.

Here’s what I’ve learned: I’ve been fat and dated. I’ve been slim and dated. I’ve been unemployed and dated. I’ve had a nice title and dated. I’ve been depressed and dated. I’ve been in my absolute ace and dated. I’ve been moving around and dated. I’ve stayed put and dated. And you know what? It’s a shitshow no matter what state of mind you’re in.

*Bumble explained

If you match, the match is valid for 24 hours before it expires. One of you has to write in this time frame to keep the match alive.

Once one of you starts the conversation, the timer resets and the person on the receiving end of the message has 24 hours to respond before the match disappears.

#love #relationships #dating #moderndating #